5. The Rabbit, Part 2

“What am I supposed to do with a rabbit?” she said, handing her friend a coffee.

“You could always boil it up,” her friend said, more than a little high-pitched. “I hear it’s very good all peppered up.”

“You could eat this rabbit?” She turned to the friend, who sipped and winked.

The friend said, “Well last night, did you give them to him? Was he thrilled? You’ve been at this plan for weeks.”

“Oh, yes, yes,” she said. “Pelgram is such a romantic. It went just as I’d planned, yes.”

She was always early. But didn’t expect him to be. She stood under an awning, across from the bridge, waiting. She almost jumped when he appeared with the cage and the rabbit. And shadows, always that long shadow he walked with, like a knife for cutting.

“We met under the lamp. You remember when I told you that the first thing I noticed about him was his shadow.”

“Which I never understood.”

“Regardless.”

And it was his shadow that first appeared, which is what made her jump. The last orange sunset light had crawled before him, complicated by the bridge lamps. At first she wanted to dash across and up the slight cobble rise, meet him, show him.

“He gave me just a little kiss and smiled, the way he does. Oh my, the dinner, the dinner with wine at Adaggio’s. Yes. The dinner and the wine were wonderful.”

Her friend said, “But the tickets. How did he respond? Go on.”

The rabbit padded to a leaf. Began its quiet nibble. It observed while chewing whatever rabbits observe.

“I’ll get to that. Wait. It’s a story.”

She waited. He put the cage down. Stood there for a moment watching the water, his shadow foreshortened, drawn at angles by the bridge lamps, crosses behind him.

“We talked. We ordered another bottle. It was going down like water, you see. Wine and laughter. He told me about how his parents had met in China. Yes in China.”

“China now that’s a coincidence. His parents met in China? Was he born in China?”

He left the cage, the rabbit, which she couldn’t believe. He’d attached a note. With the rabbit and the note, she followed him across intersections. She hid behind an elderly couple. Pelgram walked slow, as if in no particular hurry, shadowless on this dim boulevard. He held to a brick wall, waited. He watched for the Walk sign. Crossed. Once he looked behind and she sided to a nook in a wall, holding the small package to her heart.

“Yes, he was born in China. They moved back to San Francisco when he was four. Imagine that. His parents separated. He went to school. Was very successful at the school of architecture. Went back to China, worked there for years, then became lead at the firm here. He told me about some merger, some big deal upon which everything depended and I mean everything. He said it all went smashingly.”

“And so he gave you a rabbit? I think it’s a sable or something like that.”

He leaned to a cab at a line. She had to time this one well, better than she’d had to other days. “Can you follow that one?” she asked the cabbie, who said, “Yup.”

She sensed watching eyes from the dark row windows, one lit high in a house where she imagined children reading. She watched a house across the street from behind a tree, where the moon played and passed from behind the leaves. She wondered if it was an elm, an oak. The bark was rough and cold. She felt the weight of the rabbit. An orange cigarette coal rose and fell, rose and fell from the dark of the porch, then he appeared, stepped down the sidewalk.

“Yes,” she said. “He said he used to raise them. He said they’d always been a part of his life, and that’s why it was a gift to me.”

“Dear, this sounds like commitment,” her friend said. “But you still haven’t told me about yours, these wonderful coincidental tickets to China. What did he say. Tell me.”

She knew nothing of boats. At the marina, 1:00 AM shown bright green on the surface of her watch. She never knew of a boat, never knew of that house. Pelgram’s boat leaning with the movement of the night’s thicker surfs, the ocean out there past the flags and the masts flat and crystal and loud but not loud. He was a dark shadow on the docks, an even thinner shade at the wheel. This was her thought: If I’d just known of a boat. What adventures we’d have.

She heard the engine come to life. Slowly the boat moved away, this now 1:15 craft. It grew small. The water calmed. Over the hills at either edge, the stars crowded, while the moon hung big and silver like something that should fall and sink into the sea. She unfolded the note and looked for words. But the paper was blank.

She watched the rabbit. She listened to it chew. She said, “He was thrilled, so thrilled. He said China this time of year is something not to miss, something to long for.”

4. The Rabbit

She said, “Meet me at nine under the bridge’s middle lamp. I have something special. Don’t be late.”

He thought nothing of the request at first. Another romp in the night, blinking at the ceiling, maybe a bottle of wine shared on her balcony downtown, and sparrows balanced on the rain gutter. The cab turned up 8th. On the way, he stepped back through the cadence of her voice. What “special?” Why nine? He stepped into a dusty gust of wind at the curb. In the elevator Henry sniffed at the hole in a coffee lid and said, “Another long day. I heard late meetings. Will we survive; will we die?”

“Why so late?” he asked, ignoring Henry. She’d chuckled, said she couldn’t wait to see that shadow of his, and hung up. Jane, the boss, erupted in his office and motioned him into hers. “I need you in Washington at eleven,” she said. “Don’t leave until it’s settled.”

He called her from the terminal. “Should be back in plenty of time.”

“Like the last time when you said ‘Should be back in plenty of time’ and missed everything I had ready.”

Above the world he watched the clouds come apart like wet rag. He sensed rain at the horizon, maybe snow. The cabin hummed and a man flipped through a magazine with a wetted thumb.

Rumors of an intersection pileup came during the cab ride into town. Bike riders bounced onto the sidewalks. “We may be here a while,” the cabby said. He paid and made his way down East Main.

The firm’s lobby doors swished aside and he rode hot and thirsty to the fifteenth floor and clicked through some slides to two men and one woman. One of them nodded, the other two shook their heads. “It’s never going to happen,” the woman said. “We can’t turn back,” he said. “We already have,” the woman said. “Ed’ll be back at three. You’ll have to talk to him.”

“Sorry, I’m due back,” the man said.

“What?” the woman said.

He sought a quick bite on the trip from the airport at an empty diner on Fifth. He ordered a beer and a hamburger and stared out the window. At a pet store across the street, he bought a rabbit. Outside, he paused, stared at the rabbit in its cage, and thought, “I just bought a rabbit. I’ve been in two states and the sun’s still up.”

It was routine from then on, at the office–“You didn’t stay, you didn’t stay, my god, what have you done?” Jane said, “what are we going to do?”–the ride home, the rabbit snuffing in the passenger seat. He made the bridge at eight thirty, rows of lit windows yellow in the current. A ball of fire ruffled in the slow quiet water. Stars settling, the gray moon soft. He could see far, out to the edge, snow somewhere. He left the rabbit in its cage at the middle lamp with a note attached.

“Be good, rabbit,” he said. “Be good.”

Then he walked away.

3. The Only Man

One day a man woke up to leaves heavy with water outside his window. Yesterday, the sun spotted the green ground and he laughed at the wrens in the bushes. But today, the water made the leaves heavy and the higher branches muttered at the sun.

Yesterday, encouragement, mulching, work, love, and walks to the top. Tomorrow, he’d feel a creaky stress in his chest, like an old sea urchin. But today felt like a wet rag, not even a nuisance or a discouragement, rather an indifference, a sandy decline onto a dry river. Following such would mean a dry tongue soon and light to dry the eyes into stone.

“Sometimes these things creep up on you,” a friend said. “Sometimes everything disappears.”

“I heard about a man once,” he went on, “who followed ten people through the woods and when he stepped out onto a place where the land opened up he found that he had come out of the woods alone.”

“That’s an image I can eat morning cereal with,” the man said.

“Sorry,” the friend said, leaving.

The man grabbed the wrist of a pickpocket. The pickpocket said, “It’s not safe to do that.”

The man ejaculated prisms. The woman said, “That was colorful. The colorwheel’s spinning in my vagina.”

He pulled the nozzle out of his tank on the way home. He opened a hand and spilled gas through his fingers and through his fingers until he felt the liquid bleed into his socks. Closed his eyes. He remembered the grainy touch of oil changes, engine blocks, watching the wind carry sand over the earth from the underside of cars, how each grain clicked.

“Hey, what the fuck?” the attendant said.

He left the windows down for weeks. “If heaven were real,” he told the priest, “someone having died would’ve leaked that news by now. It’s over. Nonsense. Would you just admit it already.”

“That’s not right,” the priest said. “Let me explain. Consider that, while the leaves may be heavy with water now, they’re heavy for everyone. Are you the only man with windows onto his garden. Are you the only man . . . ”

Later that night he returned and smashed a brick through the stained glass and waited for the police. He told them a young man had run into the woods, that way, and to hurry, and they did.

He ran the other way. He ran to the bus station. He ran to the airport. He walked through a dark patch of woods in the middle city and watched small shapes unwind and curl in the moonlight through the leaves. So dark in the corners, where he slept. When he woke up, he found that some trickster had tied his shoe laces together and cut off his thumbs.

The physiatrist chuckled. He said, “You smell like every patient I’ve ever endured. Please sit. You remind me of a story I once heard, about a man who entered the woods with a crowd of friends. They laughed and laughed and talked about the future, inviting it. Strange though that when he finally found the other side, warranting there is one, he noticed that he was all alone, and he couldn’t recount to anyone how any of it had happened.”

2. Tinkerton

Tinkerton lowered his face and flicked a malfunctioning lighter and blew the right eye into the back of his skull.

or

Tinkerton tossed a piece of broken glass and sliced with a lucky toss through the neck of a streetwalking pigeon. “I hadn’t meant that,” he said. “I hadn’t meant that.”

or

Was it “wept” instead of “said.”

and

Tinkerton at war. He walked by a door and heard scratching. Scratch scratch then no scratch. In the distance he heard engines grow louder, lifts for home. He looked back and saw pigeons in the street, flocks of pigeons. And smoke.

or

Tinkerton slipped down a stony hill and his wife yelled down. “Tinkerton, are you okay?”

or

Tinkerton left high society for low on the thinnest of impulses: to make amends.

or

Tinkerton encountered an old love. He followed her. She ordered a drink. So did he. She said, “Oh my, is that you,Tinkerton?”

or

Tinkerton raised the rifle and fired and saw the doe fall like a short-sighted king. He fell to his knees at the body and said, “Oh, my friend. I meant it not.”

or

Tinkerton left the taxi. When he reached the bank teller, he found the appropriate papers not on his person and the first thing that came to his mind was that he’d forgot to feed the dog.

or

Tinkerton stepped back and listened to the cheering crowd. It had been his best note-strike. The closer had killed. One man kept clapping when all the others had stopped. His father. His mother had told him he’d died years ago.

or

Tinkerton entered the kitchen after work and found a note. It said, “Tinkerton, my feet hurt. I’ve been walking so far.”

or

Tinkerton suddenly found he couldn’t swallow. All those years of swallowing. Now the sudden inability to swallow was like a revelation, a discovery, equivalent of the appearance of life on Mars.

and

Tinkerton stumbled to the phone to call someone. But he couldn’t remember, couldn’t remember. Fans of numbers and fans of numbers and none to remember and none to remember.

or

Tinkerton with friends. Zelda orders something orange. Edgar something white. Liz threw up her arms when she saw Quinn come in with a squirrel on his arm. “He’s such a show off,” she said.

and/or

Tinkerton smothered two eggs, one in each big hand. One egg weighed more than the other. Tinkerton had always felt somewhat sore at the unfairness of his hands.

or

Tinkerston’s drink came last. He adjusted his eye patch, gave the leather of it two taps. Tap tap. By the time he took a first sip, Quinn had left with the squirrel, his memory had returned, and he asked Liz, “Do you think I’ll ever make amends?”

and

Liz said with a grin, “No.”

1. The Backups

Computer Leon buried sensitive data on his machine, critical histories, whole modes of living. So he decided he should back it up. He purchased a fancy, silver terabyte. It came with all the wires.

He tapped his fingers on the desk as the lights flashed and the disks spun. They sounded like small aircraft turbines. He felt the data move from HD to external smoothly, confidently, like human plasma. As with all users, he could not see the transfer. Could not verify, until needed, but he could sense its tremor and corporeal oscillation.

Months later he turned on the backup. The purple indicator pulsed but nothing happened. He listened for life in the silver case. Light told him one thing, sound another. He waited. Tech support sighed. Backup the backup, Computer Leon told himself. But what’s the depth? How many? Backup the backup then backup the backup. With another backup. Then what?

For a few days, he petted the computer, cooed it with kid’s songs and butter tones. He kept the smooth pad of his pointing finger away from the off button. He did research. Found those lists of multiple stars and user recommendations online. Soon the box came with heavy and solid redundant arrays. But should I have sent for more?

“How should I know?” his wife said.

“It’s sensitive data,” Computer Leon informed her. “Like a baby’s bottom. Like a wedding veil.”

“What do you know about baby bottoms?” his wife said. “How long have we been married?” He ducked from the room quietly.

He hooking things up again, waited, watched the lights, listened to the hums and spins. The data moved from drive to drive, down through the nests. Computer Leon wondered about fault tolerances, distributed symmetry, modernity and data mash. He thought about the smallness of the byte, data imprints, and walls and walls of backup cabinets. He turned his computer off after verifying the process, clicked here, there, and elsewhere. That night he had a dream about fire. Floods. In the city, he saw hard disks lined down the curb in that yellow urban infinity under smoke and noise and the bump of faces and the throng of honks.

He decided to walk. He looked back and found the disks following, hard at his back. Ahead, he saw them forward under the office windows, reflected on scattered vectors, warped subtly like impossible caterpillars in the imperfections of glass above and higher.

He felt pressure at his back, like an impending blow. He started to run. Backups, backups rising to the sky or drilling under the ocean. One of them goes and all the remaining follow, redundancy damned. Lost to where? He pushed through, sprinted from them. Backups, backups and more backups accreting. Data backups, backups of backups of backups of stuff, infinite stuffings of all that should not be lost, unending cases of backups, spinning disks that could escape their compartments and slice through the lanyards that make the knees work or the brain recall and remember and gripe. He climbed and fell. Climbed higher and fell and fell deeper as the disks swarmed and spun at the foot of the mountain or at the ledge of the pit, while he crouched with his head beating like duck wings. And when the light faded and the sound diminished he opened his eyes to a land of slippery yaws, painted imprints on the sides of buildings, small people beneath and lapped around and flipping copies of a blue flower in a cup with a camera. “Soon,” he whispered to himself, rising, “for partitioning, yes, into the wayback, deep and flat and scattered on the surface, food for black holes.”

Then he went home to check for updates.

The Club

It was on a cold day when Jules joined the exclusive club of the dying. He bought a box of chocolate ice cream and waited for it to melt into a bowl. Then drank it over the course of thirty minutes. This was something new.

Something black and small glowed in the middle of his chest, as if he’d swallowed a star. He rented a cabin in the desert and on the porch waited for the coyotes and the white holes owls make in the night. He saw a shadow of himself slumped against a wall.

Out of all impressions of the world, he felt his skin expand. Other parts of him followed, like the air in a balloon. He grew out past the stars at night and the sun during day. At night he reached for the strawberry nebula and grasped them. Music played. In the cantina where he ate, men and women watched.

“You’re so quiet,” one man said. “I’ve eaten fish with more voice. And you were always like the cattlekiller at the front of a train.”

“I don’t need words anymore,” the dying man said. “That’s the point. Books no longer receive me.”

The other man’s eyes squinted. He might have been trying to identify some distant object in the sea fog.

The dying man’s wife was good about it all, or so he imagined. She’d packed a small bag for him. She made him bloody hamburgers. She put her hand to his chest and said, “It’s like a child.”

“I don’t think I’ll be coming back,” he said.

“Call, maybe,” she said.

“Maybe,” he said.

The Story I

This morning I can find nothing to write.

I look in the coffee jar for a story and find only grounds and memory. On the porch, the wrens are at a nest and so, more than story, I concoct a wooden box and a hanging place under an eave near the open door.

The clouds puff above 50 degree air. I cut my typing fingers on a knife that had already seen more than enough blood from cow meat and chicken. I think about it. I say, “Where are the bones of time?”

Upstairs, the beds have shed their sheets. The walls tell me to get working on a bench, on the leaves, on a drawing maybe of a mouse or a bird or flowers. They tell me about a younger couple with children, how lumpy the pillows had been.

In the paper, news of thievery and wreckage. While writing this the ugly ping of a lose K. Robbers on the high seas and an image of a splash at night. The seal swims through the dark with a carpet pin. He rises to the underside of a life raft and pokes it full of a holes. And I see a flower flat under the moon, desperations dashed, a wren wondering at the meaning of boxes, his claws scratching at the door in and the door out, her mouth packed with dog hair, the black in her eyes already hatching July.

The garage doesn’t like me. My shoulders ache from the worries of life and dreams I had race through the pines with weird fluffy tails.

For some reason I slash the computer screen. I look this and that way for a middle, for happenings, wondering who that is with their face at the window, their fingers like spiders.

The Kiss (HL2 Adapt 1)

Gordon Freeman kissed his wife on the cheek. She used to wear guns on her hips.

They walked the canals. Clean water twisted like silver rope through the rocks. Snakes snapped at black turtles whose clonks echoed down and down and done. In the distance, they heard a horn go up, the sound of gates rising (or closing).

They made love under a tree. In the market they bought pears.

Murder came with howls in the night and in the morning a wagon would go by, its bed covered by a sheet.

She would grab for her guns. He would rise stiffly at the sounds of the city horns.

On the news, the newsperson said the city horns were broken. Maintenance was working on it. The newsperson said that people should not jump to conclusions at the sound of the horns. Most likely it indicated false alarm.

Gordon Freeman kissed his wife. They listened for the horns on their walks. The watched over their shoulders. They waited for the ground to crack open.

The Saleswoman

The saleswoman wore yellow.

When she lowered her knees over the pelican, she caught two breaths, then no more. Cars passed. A flat face against glass like the preparation of a pie.

She sat in her office waiting for screens to change. She waited for future messages.

“Is that a feather in the corner of your mouth?” Paul asked.

“No,” the saleswoman said. “It’s the sound of the last two breaths of morning. Morning does end, you know.”

“I think it’s a feather,” Paul said. “It’s disgusting.”

“I see your name in red,” the saleswoman said, winking. “Last breaths come in twos.”

Where Would I Go

“If I left you,” he said, “where would I go?”

“But you wouldn’t,” she said.

“Where would I go?”

“You wouldn’t,” she said.

“How about a cabin in the Everglades with stacks and stacks of rabbit boxes?”

“Alaska sounds nice, but long and dry somehow.”

“Or a boathouse on green water and everyday I wake up to the calls of birds and the squeak of deck shoes.”

“And food fished with our own hands. Eternal rain.”

“I remember mother’s dead feet. I remember how we prayed for her.”

“The walls were probably gray.”

“The caves were red in the torch light.”

“And the hills turned pink at sundown. Dinner late.”

“Someone forgot she was there,” he said.

“It happens,” she said.

“I could find that road that wants speed and cuts the land on either side and the wind in the rocks splits into rivers.”

“The wind without shoulders,” she said.

“Without you.”

“We could go together.”

“We could,” he said.

“But not really,” she said. “Not with me or you.”

Fifty years later they heard a door close. The sound of breaking chocolate. Thunder rumbling deep underground. But it was never the same.

The Invention

A man invented a method of turning the content of web sites into data-filled jelly. The gelly absorbed new content as it was added via wireless feeds. He also invented a capsule that would transport the data into space where it would emit that content into vacuum in a form of an ever-growing and ever-altering symphony.

One day he entered his office and found the capsule missing and his papers scattered about the room, some of them torn, some of them sliced up, some of them violently turned into wads.

In the hall, he tore at his hair.

“The capsule,” he yelled. “The capsule’s gone.”

He shoved Professor Johnson against the wall of his lab and said, “Where’s my fucking capsule, the capsule.”

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Professor Johnson insisted.

He explained the situation to the campus police. The Dean studied the door. “This was a very clever thief,” the Dean said.

“Clever? I’m out of my mind. The web is out there. Out there. The guts of our brains. I have to find it.”

The campus police were stumped. The FBI began an investigation.

Days later, citizens began to notice the Internet grow lighter in weight. Whole spaces of information began to disappear. Where once were pages, empty space appeared, flat blank rectangles of light. Empty archives. Governments slowly faded from the web. The chains that linked followers and friends broke. Armies of coders were deployed into the field. Engineers found all their tapes erased, drives wiped, code erased. Inventories piled to the ceilings. People typed faster. Empty spaces to the left or right moved fast to follow.

Molly wept at the emptiness of light on the monitor, as if the very circuits had grown sad.

TV commentators grew mute, forgetting their questions.

In the park, a boy let go of an orange balloon. It rose swiftly, clipped the branches of an elm. Its string jumped in the wind.

People in the park stopped to watch. Whole crowds pointed their eyes at the balloon, rising and rising. They watched that balloon with great attention. If it drifted from their field of vision, they might die, fall into the water and die. Even as their eyes grew sore and as the balloon grew tiny in the sky, they watched.

The Keys

One day Fred went to his car. The key broke in the lock.

It was hot. Early morning. He remembered his father telling him that the same thing had once happened to him.

But he also remembered that his father broke off on tangents. “Yeah, did I tell you about when the key broke in the damned lock?” Then something about Aunt Betty living off the land and Roger Somebody falling from a water tower and breaking his arm in the sand.

Fred was already fifteen minutes late.

“Your grandfather ate a bull frog. He tore into the woods and was never seen again.”

Fred fed the keys into his pocket. On his way up the porch stairs, a herd of children exploded out the front door and streamed shouting into the fields.

Fred’s knees hurt. He felt his blood turning to syrup. He recalled that he hadn’t liked his father very much. How he’d passed many years ago. And he thought it strange. He couldn’t remember how his father’s story ended.

The Rat

Six people stood in an open field. They each watched at their feet a dead rat.

The first person said that the rat had four feet to walk with, though they perhaps weren’t of much use now.

The second person wondered at the whiskers and told a story about his childhood with guitars, kites, and cactus.

The third claimed that the rat was gray and therefore wise. Once, said the first person. And what is wisdom to the dead?

The fourth reached down and plucked the rat’s eyes out with a small silver spoon and claimed that the rat must be a relation to fish.

The fifth person said he saw no rat at all, that the four companions lived in delusion, that at their feet was a great hole through which he saw a million and more human beings moving toward a great opening into yet another space where five people stood wondering at a hole in the earth in a field where the wind blew softly and the birds had all but stopped singing.

The sixth person listened and wrote a story.

The Room

The man woke up in a room with several doors. The room was circular and rose into darkness undiminished or articulated by light.

In the room was a square table, which the man thought odd. On the table was a box and inside the box were numerous colored keys. Each key corresponded to one of the doors by color.

The man took the box of keys and approached the red door. He took the red key and inserted the key into the lock and turned the key but to no effect. Then he went to the blue door and tried the blue key but, again, the door did not open.

Above, the darkness appeared hungry and heavy, something of the denseness of webs to it or the skin around the eyes of angry people or sores in the process of healing after surgery.

He tried the yellow key, the orange key, the black key, each in its matching door. He knocked on one of the doors. He felt around the door for gaps, some space to look through, some thinness of illumination from outside, otherside, elsewhere.

He attempted different combinations. Red in white, white in yellow. He tried numerical patterns: red in red, white, and yellow. Blue in red, white, and orange.

Soon, he tired of keys and doors and patterns. Some combination of muscles in his neck twisted the top of his spine from looking up and studying the throbbing (or not throbbing) darkness high above. He put the box back onto the table. He went back to the center of the room and sat down. His respiration slowed. He took a pear out of a pocket in his jacket. He took a bite and let the juice of that fruit run down his knuckles.

The Dream

In a dream, a man lost his son. The son wouldn’t stop committing crimes. He wouldn’t stay in his room, no matter how much the man yelled for this. The son kept steeling the policeman’s handcuff key, pickpocketing wallets. He threatened the world with strange little fists and darted through rooms with a knife.

Outside, an asteroid, trailing great curls of smoke, arced down from a quiet sky, turned away the earth, and raced back into the atmosphere, the desperate cities below glowing orange.

The man woke up weeping, but he didn’t know why. He’d never lost his son in the waking world. In the waking world, his son was intelligent, thoughtful, well-mannered, somewhat clumsy in roomfulls of furniture, and his smile taught the man the mysteries of love.

“Why did I wake up crying?” the man asked his wife, but she didn’t know. In Argentina, he asked a man selling hotdogs on the street and the man gave him a hotdog with onions and peppers. In China they said we know less about dreams than we do about children but that asteroids are stones lurking among an ambience of mindless potency.

When he got home, the man found his son grown, mowing the lawn, grinning in the sun. The man’s knees throbbed and his face hurt from the winds of the sea. He raised a hand and waved to his son, surprised at how green the trees hung, how the smell of grass migrated across the drive. His son raised a hand back, and he aimed the mower at a patch of ground grown wild. Inside, the man kissed his wife. He climbed the stairs to his bedroom, peeled off his worn clothes and lay down and went to sleep.