95. Trails

The first sign that something had gone wrong was found at the fence surrounding the property.

The second came at the barn where they found the remnants of collision.

The third thing that told them that things had gone wrong was found at the back door, yet another, which was third but third divided, at one of the windows they’d left open for the breeze, which meant there were more than one, perhaps two, three.

The fourth sign was the empty refrigerator. Then from upstairs, they they heard the kids scream.

It was big, the kids said. There were two of them. They looked like hairy men or big giant ferrets with long arms. When they heard you coming, they broke through the screens and were gone. They had red eyes but not the kind of red eyes in the movies or stories, real red eyes, like glow from a flashlight through your fingernails.

The chain links were repaired, the big breaks in the barn siding, the back door and the all the shredded window screens. In the barn, a young man swept up the bones and the skin that had been left behind.

But do you think they were going after the children? Mother asked. Do you think they’ll come back for them?

The trail was easy to follow in the morning. They went on foot. They ate lunch in an uneasy camp and, curiously, they had little hunger. They followed the prints to the outer edges of things. And at dusk they found them in a clearing with the second half of the cow they dragged here from the barn. They remembered the details of the sun going down. They remembered at the western horizon individual and distant trees on the far away hills, leaves, cactus needles, a pile of stones silhouetted against the orange and purple burn of the dropping sun.

They’d put the second half of the cow on a platform of cracking shale; they’d already begun to rip into it as if every moment until sun rise was about blood and skin.

They tossed their packs, their guns, and their maps. The lids of their eyes felt like thin wet paper. Then they joined in, surprised at how how high they could leap and how strong their fingers were.

94. The Disciplined Conversationalists

Cruz took his girl friend, Maricela, to the top of the mountain. He watched her make coffee. She watched him put wood beside the fireplace.

From the windows they watched black bears pass up and down the street, on the other side of which were other cabins like there’s. On the porch, which they felt must be safe, they waved to a neighbor who put an envelope into his black mail box and went back to his door. The man turned and called, “It’s good to see you both again.”

Cruz and Maricela waved to him.

“He’s a good man,” Cruz said, “but I wonder if he thinks about what he just said as something odd and strange, maybe one of the strangest things a man can say to another man.”

Marcela raised her coffee cup and clinked the body of it against Cruz’s. He took a sip. They watched a raccoon climb a tall pine tree and watch down as another raccoon followed. And, of course, there were the infinite bears.

“He was just greeting us. He might even be considering an invitation,” Maricela said. “Dinner and drinks.”

“Yet it’s a strange thing. Consider a man who has strong political opinions. This man, such as Benjamin from across the street, who may indeed invite us over for dinner and for drinks, never says what he really means. It takes incredible practice and discipline to speak directly and unambiguously.”

“Even more so to speak directly and unambiguously without effort,” Maricela said.

“That’s correct,” Cruz said. “Let’s say Benjamin loves freedom and tells people that he disagrees with them because their ideas confine him. He thinks they’re a trap. He tells them that their ideas go against freedom. What he doesn’t say is what really matters. What he doesn’t say is that he would strip them of their freedom because, more than a lover of freedom, he is really a creature of fear. If disciplined, he would would tell the world that he is afraid of freedom and that he would rather put freedom before the firing squad and shoot freedom dead and bloody and in this way wrest it from the arsenal of his perceived opponents because for him freedom is a weapon. It’s a rare, courageous, and lonely woman who can express what she believes with precision.”

“And the man?” Maricela asked.

“Both,” Cruz said. “Someone might be carrying a sign, a sign that says so and so hates this or that or the sign says so and so is a liar. It is always the case that on the other side of the sign the truer statement rings at a frequency no one can hear but it is there in various shapes but not in any human language. It says, I am a liar, or, rather, at the moment I don’t understand the nature of honesty; or, I hate, but I think that my hatred is really love, an abstract, unambiguous love, a love that only I can understand and so on the other side of my sign, in a language that is beyond reading, is another message, a message that says I love ignorance, which is another way of saying I love myself, which is a cruel kind of self destruction or narcissism.”

Maricela sipped her coffee. “You seem confused,” she said, “or worried, Cruz. You really don’t need to drive yourself so batty over an idea that may or not be true. You’re just going to end up frightened of everyone.”

“Look at that bear over there,” Cruz said. He pointed. A black bear of medium size had lifted the lid of a dumpster. The dumpster was small. It was painted green to fit in with the landscape. The bear looked up the street as if from that direction someone would come to chase it off. Another bear, a smaller bear, climbed into the dumpster as the medium sized bear held the lid up. Startled at the action of the smaller bear, the other bear dropped onto his forelegs. The dumpster lid closed. The medium sized bear lumbered away.

“When my father had cancer, the doctor told him that he had cancer,” Maricela said.

“I remember,” Cruz said. “The doctor really meant that your father was going to die. The doctor was trying to avoid cruelty.”

Just then Benjamin came out of his cabin carrying a trash bag. The man walked down the stairs of his porch. He called to Cruz and Maricela: “You should come over tonight. Six o-clock. We’ll have dinner and talk politics. I know how you all love to talk politics.”

“That would lovely. See you then,” Cruz called back. “But beware, there’s a bear in the dumpster, a small bear.”

“Ha,” Benjamin laughed. “You’re such a joker. See you at six.” He threw the trash bag over his shoulder and approached the dumpster.

“Do you see what I mean?” Cruz said.

“I can’t watch,” Maricela said.

93. Day Times

He read in the morning and at night. It was everything else in between that was difficult or strange. After the dawn and as dusk was beginning or just at the edges of these times or deeper into the day, such ambiguity, so much strangeness.

Marleena sipped her wine. It was dark out, a wall of black at the dining room windows, the city lights slowly going out or coming on or coming on and going out. He brought the food to the table and opened the lid and found the contents not quite cooked enough or over cooked, burned to the center or raw in the center and burned at the edges. He sat back and said, “I swear I followed the directions.”

Marleena sniffed the food and squeezed her lips, narrowed her eyes. She said, “You should’ve let me cook.”

He struggled through dense days, days thick with mystery. Abner strolled through the office with a stack of papers in his arms. He said, “Someone told me to bring these here. Where do I put them?”

“I don’t know,” he said. He never knew where Abner was supposed to deposit the papers and it was most often the case that when Abner appeared, he had papers, papers he didn’t know what to do with and they never knew who to call about it and ask. There was a table in the office with stacks and stacks of papers.

He told Marleena about it. She cut into her chicken breast and smiled at her plate and made motions of disapproval with her head. She said, “It’s Abner who never asks. You don’t know because you think he should know. But he doesn’t know. But someone obviously gives him the papers but he never asks them what he’s supposed to do with them once he gets them up to your floor.”

“He says he asks and they never tell him. They just tell him to take the papers up to my floor,” he said.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Marleena said. “Let’s go out to eat. I know a place downtown where they make good chicken.”

At the restaurant he told her about his drive to work, how at a particular intersection he always saw a red car waiting for the light, a small red car with a small man at the wheel and this small man had a small head so that it looked like a child was driving.

He ordered the chicken. Marleena had a salad with cherry tomatoes and crumbled cheese that smelled of long traditions of dinners and expert cooks. When the waiter brought Marleena the salad he regretted ordering the chicken and not ordering the salad. But the wine was good.

“You always see the red car?” she asked.

“Yes, always,” he said. “Every morning when I come to the light there’s the little red car with the little driver at the wheel. I stop at the light and the little car crosses in front of me. That’s what’s mysterious about it. I might be five minutes late or five minutes early. I’m always caught at the light and when I’m caught at the light, I see the red car. Everyday except weekends. That’s the way my days are. Everyday I see pretty much the same things and I have no idea what they mean. And then I go home, follow the directions, and the chicken is either raw or dried up. I don’t know what to think about it.”

Marleena told him her salad was “very very good.” The chicken they brought him was “very very nice.”

The next day was a work day so he dressed, put a coffee into the holder in the car, and drove into the city. At the same intersection at the same light and on the road running perpendicular to his own, he stopped and, as it happened every day, he saw the red car. It was that kind of intersection where right and left turning cars had a light all to themselves so the cars going into the city waited and the cars going south waited also.

This day, however, he decided to try something new. He turned off the ignition, got out and watched for an opening and ran to the passenger side of the little red car, opened the door and got in. Quickly, he saw that it wasn’t a small man who looked like a child at the wheel. Rather, it was a small woman, a small old woman with wire rimmed glasses, small teeth, and earrings that looked like rain falling.

“Don’t be frightened,” he said. “But I see you here everyday. Everyday at this same intersection I see you and I just wanted to come and say hi or stop you and ask who you are and where you’re going.”

The small old woman said, in a long-pitched voice that sounded like a boy’s, a boy who might sing for a church choir, “Me too. I also see you everyday, in your little blue car. I’ve always thought it was a little odd.”

The light changed for her. She put the car into gear and gave the car some gas, passing through the intersection. He looked passed the old woman’s head and saw that two men had gotten out of their cars and were watching him and the old woman drive away.

The old woman said, “Yes, everyday I see you in your little blue car, a big young man or young woman in a little blue car, maybe going to work, of course going to work.”

“And what about you?” he said. “Where do you go everyday? Where are you going when I see you every morning at that intersection?”

“Like you,” she said, “to work. Everyday when I see you I’m going to work. But not this day. Yesterday was my last day at work and now I’m driving out of the city for good and I’m not coming back.” She smiled at the road ahead. She had hands that reminded him of the hands of mice. Printed on her dress were small red flowers.

“Me too,” he said. “Yesterday was my last day at work, too. Just like you, today’s my last day in the city. I can’t make sense of these things anyway.”

The small woman nodded at the wind shield. She said, “Good. That means I won’t need to turn around.”

“No,” he said, “no need to turn around.”

92. The Scissors

When the boxes of office supplies came, they found one full of black and blue scissors. For fairness, the manager decided to divide the scissors. One side of the office was given the blue scissors. The other side of the office was given the black scissors.

Molly of the black side said, “But I want blue scissors.”

Jim of the other side, the blue side, said, “Well, I want black scissors.”

For a moment, Jane, the manager, couldn’t remember which had been the blue side and which had been the black side until someone, Rebecca, raised a blue pair and said, “This is the blue side.”

Evans said, “But I thought that was the black side.”

Rebecca said, “Why would this be the black side if I have a pair of the blue scissors.”

“It’s a trick,” Evans said, standing up. He looked at the manager and showed her the black handles of his scissors. He said, “This was supposed to be the blue side.”

Jim, who wanted the black scissors and Molly who wanted the blue scissors both agreed that Evans was incorrect and that Rebecca was correct but even so, they wanted the scissors they wanted and for good reasons, which they both agreed on.

“I cut straighter with blue scissors,” Molly said. “And besides, I’ve always used blue. Ever since I started here I used blue scissors and why should I have to change now?”

Jane said, “It’s not a big deal. You can have blue.”

“Good,” Jim said, “if it’s not that big a deal, I’ll take black. I’ve always used black. The black scissors are better than the blue scissors. The blue scissors tend to gum up and lose their edge and their screws have that annoying squeak. If you all remember we had to order these new scissors because the last batch of scissors were all blues and they all got gummy and squeaked.”

“That’s not true,” Rebecca said. “It’s amazing how you don’t remember anything the way it really happened. It was the black scissors that broke not the blue scissors. You all are terribly confused. I remember: when Jane identified the blue side, she pointed at me. Why else would I have blue scissors if my side wasn’t the blue side?”

“It was a simple mistake,” Evans told her. “When Jane divvied blue and black, she definitely pointed at me when she was choosing the blues. Then when the scissors were handed out, the person who did it made a mistake and got the sides wrong. It happens all the time.”

“Who handed the scissors out?” Jane asked.

Everyone in the office was standing and watching everyone else. They were watching to see who had made the mistake, who had gotten the sides wrong. They wanted to know who would admit to it.

Jim said suddenly, “You all are assuming that a mistake was made in the first place. But no mistake was made. This is the blue side and that’s the black side. But I still want black scissors.”

“He’s right,” Molly said. “The sides are correct. But I don’t want a pair of these blacks. I want blues. The blues simply work better. I don’t know why but they do.”

“Well, I want black,” Jim said. “They have the sharper edge and they don’t get all gummy at the edges like the blues do. Furthermore, they don’t squeak.”

“You’re such a fucking asshole, Jim,” Evans said.

Jim looked at Evans. Jane looked at Jim. Jim said, “If that were true, you and your wife would have octuplets by now.”

“Jesus,” Rebecca said, “Who the hell ordered black and blue scissors anyway?”

The next day, when Jane got to the office, Molly, Rebecca, Jim and all the others were at their desks. Everyone was quiet and everyone was staring at everyone else. Evans looked like he hadn’t had much sleep. Rebecca was just setting her coffee down. She reached for a pencil and started to tap the eraser on the desktop, slowly, one tap, then another tap. Then she lay the pencil flat and rolled it from one finger to another finger. Everyone watched her roll the pencil. She picked the pencil up and slipped it in a cup where she stored pencils and pens.

“What’s the matter?” Jane asked them.

Molly said, “When I got in today, all the blue scissors were gone. Someone’s taken the blue scissors and left the black scissors.”

“What?” Jane said.

“Now,” Jim said, “I don’t have any scissors, blue or black.”

Evans said, “Well, you’re not using my scissors.”

Jim said, “If you remember, you’re on the blue side. You said it yourself. Let’s not forget whose side you’re on. You were on the blue side.”

“He’s right,” Rebecca said.

“No, I was on the black side,” Evans told her. “That was the first mistake. It’s not my fault that the sides got mixed up.”

Evans took up his scissors, which had black handles. He pointed the scissors at Jim and then opened and closed them slowly as if from his distance to Jim’s distance he was slicing Jim’s head off at the neck. In that quiet of simulated violence, as the mechanism of the fulcrum worked its Archimedean magic, Jane heard a barely audible squeak.

91. Ned’s Novel

“I think Ned’s gone a little crazy,” said Evergreen Holmes, smiling at Jimmy Williams.

“I haven’t seen him in years,” Jimmy said, visiting the porch on this hot evening. From the porch they could see the lights of the stadium.

“Just a little crazy,” Holmes said, drinking lemonade.

“Does he still sweat a lot?” Jimmy asked.

“Like a cold beer in Atlanta,” Holmes said. “Always has music in his ears and, yes, the novel in his hands. He always has the novel with him and he’s always reading it, even at the game right now.”

“The novel?” Jimmy let the dog’s tail thread through his palm. He had a lemonade in the other hand, which he shook so that he could listen to the ice.

From the stadium they heard cheering. Holmes and Jimmy heard the muffled throatiness of the loudspeaker.

Jimmy said, “But the novel’s not going to go on forever, unless it’s some sort of magic novel that goes on forever and is so good Ned takes it with him wherever he goes, work, the game, whatever. He sits even at the game reading his novel and sweating and listening to his music, whatever.”

Evergreen Holmes looked at Jimmy Williams and smiled again. He sipped the lemonade. He took a bottle out of the cooler, opened it, and poured some of its contents into his lemonade. Jimmy held out his glass and Holmes poured some into his, knowing Jimmy would be here a while.

Holmes said, “Well, that’s what Ned says. He does say it’s a magic novel. He says it goes on forever. He’s been reading it for years. He takes it to the game then puts the game on the radio so that he can experience two games at once, and then he opens the novel and reads the new novel that appears there after he’s finished the one before.”

“That’s crazy,” Jimmy said.

“”That’s what I’m saying,” Holmes said. “Ned’s a little crazy.”

“He doesn’t sound a little crazy. He sounds a lot crazy, whole or all crazy.”

“Well, that’s the funny thing about it,” Evergreen Holmes said. “He’s showed it to me and its true. We compared it and its true. True enough the first novel started just like this: ‘He sat in the stadium, the score 2 to 1 in the 9th. And that’s when it started to rain.’ and when he finished that novel the first line changed, read like this: ‘Edgar’s days at the plate were over.'”

“That’s impossible,” Jimmy said.

“Saw it with my own eyes,” Holmes confirmed.

“It’s impossible,” Jimmy said.

“You can see him now,” Holmes said, “somewhere above play, listening to the game on the radio, watching or not really watching the game on the field, and, yes, reading the novel, a damned novel Ned can’t hardly leave alone, even at the game.”

“Crazy,” Jimmy said, looking distressed at he nearby stadium.

“Damn right,” Evergreen Holmes said. “And you know what’s even crazier?”

“What could be crazier than that?” Jimmy asked.

Holmes said, “Everyone I tell that story to believes it.”

90. The Skeletons

Father had been long gone from them now. As time passed, Mother grew more and more frightened of brittle things, things that broke, items that had the consistency of sand.

She told the boys, It’s bones I fear most.

Which intrigued them, as fear intrigued the boys. As it happened, one day, while playing in the arroyo at the back of the house, the sun high and white, they dug up a skeleton. At first they were shocked. Then they propped the skeleton up and made it say things, things like Hey buddy and Woah Nellie and Hey, you got a smoke?

Mother went to bed early as she always did. They waited for the moon to crest the mountain. With glee at the back of their throats, they carried the clinkety bones whole into the house, into their Mother’s room, laid it on the mattress, and covered it with the other half of her sheets, then went to bed. At sunrise, they waited for Mother’s alarm to buzz.

As it happened, the boys in the arroyo, the sun high and hot, they watched Juan, a concerned neighbor, bring Mother home in his truck. He assisted her into the house. After a while, he came out, backed out was more the truth, which they thought strange, scanned the desert, called for them, got in his truck and drove away.

The boys crept into the house for dinner. They apologized. They told Mother they didn’t think, hadn’t thought, didn’t really understand, were very very sorry. But no matter, she had their favorite tacos ready. Milk shakes, too. She danced about the table and gave them hugs and told them, Oh it was a great joke, you boys being boys. You boys and your skeletons. At bed time, she read them ghost stories, tucked them in, and told them that tomorrow they’d go for ice cream in Mesilla, and they went to bed with feelings of satisfaction, vindication, and, yes, longing.

They slept later than usual. They heard the desert birds, the engines of trucks on the dry road. For some reason they had a hard time opening their eyes and they had a hard time moving. Mother came into the room and said, Come, we have things to do or Oh is there a problem? Come, boys, what’s the problem? One of the boys raised his arm, and what he saw he couldn’t believe, for his arm was nothing but bone and his brother was nothing but a raw red skeleton on his bed and oh how to scream without lips and how to express fear in a state of lidlessness?

Come, boys, Mother said, get out of bed, we have so much to do today. Or is there a problem, boys? Come, boys, is there a problem?

89. The Job

They’d been called to Italy on a tour and the offer of a job. Currency, selling currency. “We have to spread ourselves,” he said. “We can always come home if it doesn’t work out.”

“And living in Italy,” she said, “not much longer than a year, perhaps, could open all kinds of doors later for us. And it’ll be good for the kids.”

At the Firm’s front desk, a woman wondered who he was, gave him a smile full of empty recollection. She spoke into a phone. A company official shrugged his shoulders. “You’ve come from the states?” he said. “All this way? There must have been a mistake, a grave mistake.”

He showed the man all the documents, the names, the correspondence, everything impressive. He told the man his kids were all prepared. They’d found a school. The executive had it all on his desk and shook his head. The man said he knew none of the names. The executive was sorry but that it must have been a mistake, an incredible ruse.

He still had his job back home, and she was a woman of means, but the kids were waiting across the ocean. They rode in silence back to the hotel. Through his head went lists: who to call, who to blame, lists of all the questions he hadn’t asked. He ran through the phone calls, the transfers; they’d studied the language at the dinner table together. The months past of genuine preparations, now all an elaborate nothing, no more than the noise that passed the windows in little gusts.

“God,” she said. “It’s amazing. I’ll bet the hotel’s been broken into, all our things gone. It may be that sort of joke.”

He looked at her and thought about laughing.

Back at the hotel, they found the lock apparatus indeed broken. The mattress had been tossed against the television. All their clothes torn to shreds, the laptops stomped to death. Across the walls where there had once been paintings someone had drawn round heads with crosses for eyes with her lip stick and with her nail polish.

“This isn’t happening,” she said.

He went to the window and saw a man with what looked like her bag speaking to a cab driver, other cabs waiting.

“Look,” he said. “It’s unbelievable. That guy has your bag.”

They took the stairs, flew the few floors down. She told him they should call the police. But he was rushing down with the last few months of mistakes in his head, all the promises he’d given his children. On the street, they saw the cab pull away. They ran to another cab and said in practiced Italian to follow.

The cab took them to a wooded area, maybe the edge of a park, the other cab already stopped up ahead, which he thought odd.

“I left my wallet back at the hotel room, in my bag. Shit,” he said. “And I don’t have my bag,” she said. The driver, who spoke English, said, “You need to pay.” He showed them a knife. The smile on the driver’s face told him that the driver knew something, something more dangerous than the fare.

With suddenness, he took her by the hand and they ran into the woods. That fast. He took her hand and started off. That fast.

“Don’t look back,” he said.

“How could you forget your wallet?” she wanted to know, running out of her shoes.

He heard the cab driver shout something. Here, the trees grew tall and the bushes thick and he could sense a river, docks, small boats. He heard the driver’s breathing. He remembered the thinness of the knife, the mattress against the wall, a round face with X eyes, and the feel of his wife’s hand wet and hot in his as they ran.

He heard more voices behind him, a crowd chasing after. He heard the word “thieves.” At a narrow pier a young man was tying a boat, the motor running. He pushed the young man into the water and he pulled his wife into the boat with him so that she fell to her knees, and they were off, turning into the current. On the dock, four men appeared. One took out a pistol and fired it, but fired high, and they appeared to be laughing as they pulled the young man out of the water, who was laughing too.

His wife’s hair reminded him of branch trimmings and snakes. She kept saying, “This is crazy. This is crazy. We have to find someone.”

“All we have to do is find someone,” he told her, as the little boat bucked, turned on a shallow log, and nosed into the other shore. He fell forward and hit his chin. She, falling forward too, pressed her fingers into his buttocks.

He yanked her into mud, water, and low grabby tangle and they bulled their way into the edge trees. “God,” he whispered. “God.”

“Stop it,” she said. “Stop it.”

They came out onto a trail that might have been made by carts or small cars. “We’ll call when we get back to the hotel,” he said. But he didn’t finish saying “hotel.” He breathed out “ho” then felt a great weight at the small of his back, which split him in two. Something hard and gritty snapped at his mouth. For a moment he saw nothing, tasted blood. Then he sat up with immense nausea, opened his eyes and saw fallen leaves, sand, and the trunks of thin trees.

First he said, My mouth hurts. He said, My back hurts. Next he said, “Sandra?” Next and louder he said, “Sandra?”

He stood. He hobbled up the dirt road and saw ahead, where the this path met an actual road, a yellow truck, no, two yellow trucks. He began a run, calling her name. A long arm reached out and waved from a window as if a party was over, as if a friend was just departing. The truck drove away and the other followed.

At the new road, he felt her absence. He said her name more than once, but he couldn’t, at the same time that he uttered her name, which was all he could say out loud, place the name. All he could say was the name and wonder what it meant. Her name and the long arm out of he yellow truck that had waved with a gentleness he couldn’t fathom. He seemed to feel it was saying goodbye, that it meant goodbye. He said her name and asked what it meant, and he also had a feeling that somewhere in those clusters of buildings in the distance was his house, a cup of coffee, work, and that the name he kept saying softly had something to do with it and then he looked down and saw that he wasn’t wearing shoes and he wondered why. Why was he wearing black socks in this place, this place he couldn’t recall?

88. The Voice

The voice he began to hear in his head told him to do sensible things. It told him to brush his teeth, for instance, to wash the dishes. It told him to keep his files in good order, such as by last name or date.

Clean the floors. Wash your car. Take out the trash.

He would’ve done these things anyway, so, at first, he welcomed the voice. The voice never grew angry. It was a courteous voice, in fact, addressing him formally, as his mother had at church long ago. The voice was often soft as the back of a cat, as affectionate as a dog’s tongue.

Light creamy green, that’s the color of the voice, he told himself.

He took the voice with him on long drives through the country and shorter ones to the supermarket. He took the voice to work where it waited patiently in a corner for him to finish, turn things off, lock the doors.

It offered its opinion on the subject of films and novels and stories and wine. It suggested clever retorts at parties, interesting expressions in correspondence, useful interpretations of the law.

And so, when he parked beneath the bridge one day, the voice expressed surprise. This bridge was a massive structure spanning the great river between the upper town and the lower town, a suspension bridge once hailed as the longest span in the world.

He made his way to a ladder up to the cable assembly and the voice said, What are you doing? This is dangerous, something to be avoided.

He climbed the ladder and stepped onto the catwalk up to the first tower and slowly began the climb. The voice sounded nervous, evocatively nervous. Excuse me, sir, it trembled, but what are you doing? Please, this is not a good thing; it’s a dangerous action. I’ve heard of several people who’ve died by falling or suicides jumping. But surely you’re not suicidal. We’ve been happy together. I’ve assisted you.

He ignored the voice. Below, he saw cars stop on the shoulder of the bridge. In the distance he saw the lights of approaching emergency personnel. It was unavoidable, he told himself. It took him some time to reach the landing of the first tower, whose edges were protected by high fencing, but no matter. The voice said, God, I hadn’t foreseen this. We were so good together. I assisted you. I made your life easier, so much without occurrence. Please, go back down and we’ll return to the way things were.

Here, he felt the precariousness of the air, the weightlessness of immense height. He heard the subtle creek of the cables. He felt the gentle sway of the pressures of passing vehicles and the wind and the movement of the water below. He took the voice and squeezed it through the chain links and held it for a moment, like a mouse by the tail. He heard it say, No please, please don’t do this. I was so kind, so forgiving, so loving and companionable. Then he dropped it. When it fell he heard the voice diminish and then go out like a distant light as it met the water.

On his ride in the back of the emergency vehicle he kept his eyes closed, feeling the quiet drift through him like the passing of the moon. He felt the rumble of the tires. He wondered what he would do next. He wondered how he would answer their questions. He asked himself, What will I do when I get home? What shall I be tomorrow?

87. The New Geometry

In the morning, after a night that seemed to go on forever, he went to his car with his bags and found a shape scratched on the hood in the form of a pawn, crude, icy cuts in the paint, maybe made with a key.

Still, he had his ticket to Luzern, Switzerland, where his father had disappeared, and an appointment with a private detective. On the chute feeding people into the aircraft, he received (and this was surprising as he hadn’t thought she’d mastered the phone) a call from his mother’s mobile. Her voice raved through the receiver, “If you’ve a mind for Luzern, change it. I woke up this morning, went to the car, just an impulse believe me, and found a scratch on my hood in the shape of a pawn.”

He turned and made his way to the boarding area, which had the feel of a sudden evacuation, as if all critical airport activity had gone elsewhere.

From a pay phone he called Lorena, who had just arrived from Mexico City, visiting her inlaws. “I was going to call you,” she said. “My father-in-law phoned–there are so many calls this morning. He said that on the wall of his house, the one that faces east, he found a massive pawn drawn onto the stucco with chalk.”

“I’ll come over,” he said. “Someone scratched a pawn into the hood of my car, and my mother . . . ”

“We should meet in the park on the bench across from the deli,” Lorena interrupted. “For some reason I don’t feel safe here.”

On the freeway back to town, he felt that something about his life had changed with the appearance of the pawns. When the past returns to the now, he told himself, the future changes, which is why he’d tried to avoid it until this morning, the day of his flight, which he now knew was a mistake. He began to question his mother’s phone call, as it was unlikely that she’d suddenly learned how to use her cell. So who had called? And how did she know he’d been about to board a plane? These question’s lead him back to Lorena and the deli, a deli across from a park bench where they often met for lunch. How was it possible, therefore, to conclude that such a place was safe?

In any event, he took the off ramp and made his way downtown and parked. He crossed under the arches of the park entrance and made his way to the bench across from the deli.

His father had been a chess master and with his father the days and the weeks and the years had been an extension of the language of the board.

“To your father,” his mother said, “chess is war and madness.”

The day before he’d flown to Luzern and subsequently disappeared had been the day the son had beaten the father for the first time. His father played a defensive, frustrating game that lulled the opponent into naive aggressiveness. His father’s favorite move was to castle whenever possible, and so, to beat his father, he’d studied. He began to dream chess boards in which the castling scenario had been arranged so that the board and its pieces took on a grand and systematic geometry that would stay with him like a glow when he closed his eyes. For years he dreamed it, and his father would smile as the game drew longer, sometimes deep into the night. He remembered that after he’d beaten him, his father had stood, congratulated him, shook his hand. The next day his father had shaved off his beard and then had taken his flight, as he typically did that time of year.

His mother told him, after his father had disappeared, “There are rumors but only rumors. A man named Pierce, who was the first man to beat your father, was found killed, strangled. The second, a man named Bengal, disappeared and was never found. Only three men ever beat your father.”

“And who was the third?” he asked, giving the numbers little thought.

“You,” his mother said.

Lorena was not sitting at the bench. He waited for thirty minutes, thinking she might be late, caught in traffic, diverted on a sudden errand. He went to the deli and bought a drink and came back to the bench. Still no Lorena. Then something drew his attention. The windows in the tall building above the deli used blinds to protect rooms from the sun. Some of the blinds had been drawn, others not drawn. He now realized that the front of the windows in the building had been arranged in the shape of a great chess board with an ingenuity that struck him with sudden terror, the terror of returns and rumors and plans that extended across the globe.

He called Lorena’s cell. There was no answer. He called his mother’s cell, then her home phone, but neither of these were answered. He studied the face of the building and its windows but for some reason his next move escaped him, for this was a new game, an extension of something old, with new pieces, and a new and dangerous geometry.

86. The Men who Forgot Math and Poetry

The mathematician said, “I’ve forgotten all my math. It’s the worse thing I can think of to say.”

The poet said, “And me, I’ve forgotten all my poems. It’s almost like a nightmare.”

The mathematician and the poet went for drinks with money they’d taken from a man who wept in an abandoned room and who gave them his money freely.

The mathematician ordered a beer. The poet ordered a beer, too. “I think that would be good,” the poet said.

“Months ago,” the mathematician said, “a man came to me and said, ‘You’re the mathematician. You’re the one who took all our programs and synthesized them all into a number that no one can read, a complex number impossible to untangle.’ I didn’t know what he as talking about, couldn’t remember any numbers or their relationships. He grew violent and said, ‘Nothing works anymore. The computers have all stopped working and they’re waiting for your number to tell them what to do. You must do something.’

“I ran from him. This man made no sense and he’d already pressed bruises into my shoulders. I came here to hide, where there are no numerical relations, not that I would recognize them.”

“That’s an incredible story,” the poet said, drinking his beer. “I, on the other hand, know what poetry is: it’s the possessing of one word after the next. However, I possess no sequences of words. When I put one word beside another word I forget what I’m doing and instead I end up drawing shapes and when I show these shapes to people they look at me and say, ‘Where’s the poem you promised me?’ And so I fled and came here to hide where there are no poets, no words to possess, at least none that I can tell.”

“One day,” the mathematician said, “they took me to a warehouse. They put electrodes on my head and fed electricity into my brain to extract the knowledge they claimed I possessed. I only remember the pain and the fear in their eyes.”

“Like you,” the poet said, “I was taken. They took me to a river. They put me on a raft. They tied a rope to the raft, which prevented it from falling over a waterfall. Then they put a candle under the rope and told me, ‘Write a poem before the flame eats through the rope and only then will we save you.’ Luckily, I survived, though a few ribs, I think, are cracked.”

“They treat us like shit,” the mathematician said. “They think they can just take us and electrocute us and drown us.”

“They do,” the poet said, miserably.

They drank their beer. The last sip was still icy cold. They ordered two more.

“The worst thing about it is, I know I’m a mathematician. But I have no math in me.”

The poet agreed. “That’s like me. I have no sequences of words to possess. But I know I once had them, which is both frustrating and liberating.”

The mathematician and the poet heard approaching sirens. They heard outside the bar a wild screeching of tires. They heard a sudden bullhorn: “We know you’re in there, a mathematician and a poet. We want that number; we want that poem. Come out or we’ll blow the place up.”

The poet turned to the shaking barkeeper, who was watching the door with tear-filled eyes, and said, “You better get out of here. Because we’re not leaving.”

The mathematician said, “Tell them we’re drinking beer. Tell them that the mathematician and the poet said that they can go to hell.”

“Or just run away,” the poet said. “Just run. But I warn you, if you run away, they will catch you. Farewell.”

85. The Old Vampire

The old vampire entered the room somewhat clumsily. Immediately, he knew he was being watched, that there were cameras hidden in the room, and so he was somewhat self-effacing or self-aware. His clumsiness was therefore partly a result of and aggravated by his self-awareness or self-effacement.

Because the old vampire knew he was being watched he avoided looking in any direction where there might be a camera. Therefore, he looked down, which made his clumsiness that much more pronounced, like a drunk slowly trying to make his way through broken glass.

The fact that the vampire was aware that he was being watched altered his immediate goal or at least postponed it, which was to satisfy the hunger in his system. He became aware that he was being watched just as he entered the room, that he was on camera, a sudden condition he could, at the moment, do nothing about, as, he felt, it would be better to appear clumsy than to leave his audience thinking that he, an old vampire, was a coward.

Maybe not a coward but rather to reveal to them that he knew that he was being watched, that he was on camera, because to reveal such knowledge would amount to embarrassment and then what could he do: flee (cowardice), raise his hand and wave (comedic, as he might wave in the wrong direction or at a corner where no camera had been installed), descend or elevate into a monologue (ridiculous, as he had nothing prepared)?

To reveal an awareness of uninvited attention was doubly troubling because the old vampire knew he was being watched because he was a vampire. He had entered the room to satisfy his hunger, as anyone would do albeit using different methods. He had not entered the room to gain an audience or to gather attention to himself. He had entered the room after following a young man to his apartment, who’d left the University library after a late night of study, so the old vampire, who pretended to be a chemistry professor by day, knew the man would be fatigued, throw himself on his bed, and the old vampire would sneak in with little trouble, take his fill, then depart, the young man no wiser than when he went to bed. Of course, if the young man had entered his room and realized he was being observed by an audience behind a camera or a bank of cameras, he would have no idea why, no immediate cause as to the interest of the audience. He could guess that he was the subject of some terrorism probe (he was a student of nuclear physics), caught up in a government plot against students who protested against war (which he did), or the subject of illicit voyeurism by apartment perverts (which he might think odd as he was rarely home and had had no romantic encounters to speak of), but the old vampire’s situation was different, for he knew exactly what the cameras were after and what the camera’s expected.

He knew, for example, that the audience was expecting him to creep with murderous and licentious hunger through the room, his fingernails extended like switchblades. He knew that the audience expected him to make his eyes burn red or glow white and to bare incredible fangs that would remind them of yawning baboons. He knew that the audience would expect him to look left and right with clever suspicion and say something profound about mortality, morality, frailty, the grip of undeath on the human mind, prudence, desire, and companionship, and then pierce the young man’s neck with his baboon’s teeth and suck or lift with his purported inhuman strength the young man up by his chin if he happened to start awake and snap the bones of his neck.

Under the inhuman eye of the camera, the old vampire saw his victim on the bed, just as he’d expected, unknowing, unsuspecting, and innocent. The weight of the unseen audience compounded the pain in his knees and the anger in his thoughts, that a whole host of the unseen were waiting for his next move or, worse, were disappointed at this old clumsy vampire appearing here. Who was he, they must be thinking, who did this old vampire think he was, entering into our field of vision so vast and impenetrable, who was this limping, clumsy and perhaps drunk old vampire with his pathetic hunger (he doesn’t even look at the camera; he moves like my grandmother; his eyes, they’re the eyes of the near blind; he could’ve at least shaved), this old vampire shuffling nearer and nearer to his victim. This old vampire now with a syringe in his hand and what must be a glass container with a rubber top, kneeling to the sleeping student. It’s too pathetic, turn it off.

84. The Pecks

I saw John Peck on an evening trail. John Peck almost didn’t recognize me as the last time I’d encountered him he’d been on a late train going north, perhaps twenty years ago.

John Peck had been a tall boy with aggressive eyebrows and a way of resting his palms on his chest when he spoke about the future, as if he was both proud and protective of it.

“John Peck,” I called. “John Peck?”

The man on the trail stopped and looked back. He was lower on the trail and so he seemed smaller now but when he approached he took on the height of John Peck and his eye brows emerged suddenly into the slanted sun like two thick paitn strikes. He said, “Juan? The last time I saw you we were on the train going north.”

Two weeks later I encountered Horatio Peck in the Plaza Mayor in Chihuahua. He was drinking a bottled coke and had a yellow parrot on his knee, which he stroked with a finger and to whom he gave bits of food from a bag. I recognized him from the angle of his long legs, as the bench he sat on, while comfortable for people of average height, forced his knees to bend at a sharp angle.

“Horatio Peck,” I said. “Horatio Peck?”

“Is that you, Juan? The last time I saw you, what was it, twenty some years ago, was on a train, the train going south.”

On the trail, two weeks ago, I’d asked after John Peck’s family, which eventually brought us to his brother, the subject of whom made his thick eye brows fluff like angered cat tails. He grew terse and said, “It was fine to see you but I must be off. It’s late on the trail, you know.”

On that bench in Chihuahua City, I brought up the subject of Horatio Peck’s father, his business, and his family, and then, finally John Peck. I told him (and as I did I felt a sudden regret) that I’d happen to see him on a trail in the north. At the mention of John Peck, Horatio Peck made a sudden motion and the parrot flew away in a spray of yellow feathers. With violent abruptness, Horatio Peck said, “Unfortunately, Juan, it’s late. It was fine to see you, but I must dash off.”

I watched him, stunned to silence. He crumpled the bag of parrot food and disappeared into the city.

Standing above the street on the balcony of my hotel room, I was struck by these two strange encounters, so apart but also so proximate and unlikely, their unlikeliness, distance, and proximity the very proof of a growing conclusion. The evening took on a prophetic density, as if the noise of traffic, birds, and human voices all accumulated into a singular and ongoing arrangement. How was it that after twenty years time, I’d seen and spoken to John and Horatio Peck within the span of a few weeks.

The feeling I had was specific and detailed and, ultimately, horrifying. In the city of our origins, I knew, the two brothers would meet and everything would end. This meeting and this end would come as a result of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and so everything I did (and I didn’t know what I would do) from this moment took on a dark illumination and every action I had taken in the past, every word I’d spoken, became as heavy as stones.

83. The Scratching Sound

She came into the bedroom of the new house and said, “Do you hear that?”

“It sounds like scratching,” he said, swinging his long legs out of bed, their new bed, for a new house.

Downstairs, he put his ear to the living room wall. “It sounds like it’s coming from here,” he said. She had her ear to the other wall and said, “No, here.”

He stepped back and turned his head to the side and squinted his eyes. She got down on her knees and put her ear to the floor and began to crawl across the soft smooth wood. “Lost it,” she said, sitting up.

Then the sound seemed to diminish and diminish and evaporate like a vapor.

He raised his eyebrows. She shrugged and took his hand and just as she began to lead him up the stairs to bed, they heard the sound again, a soft but insistent scratching, this time from the kitchen.

They went into the kitchen and turned on the lights. With the light on, the scratching reduced in volume but in the quiet of the house could still be heard, small and grating. He opened the cabinet where they’d stored the cans and closed his eyes, the better to hear. She kneeled at the island and cocked her head. He went to a bare wall and put his ear to a place where he thought he’d hang a calendar and closed his eyes yet again.

She had her head above the counter, her short fingers spread as she watched the surface like a carpenter checking for level. “It’s like it’s nearby but not nearby,” she said.

“Like the motor of a refrigerator, it shifts when you turn your head,” he said. Then he said, “But you hear it, right?”

“I do,” she said. “You’d think it was coming from the basement but we don’t have a basement.”

“Or the ceiling. It sounds like it might be coming from the ceiling, just above us.”

They walked together under the ceiling, sometimes holding hands sometimes not, pausing to listen and then tracking once again. They were drawn to the fridge, which was new, new for their new house. They put their ears to the base of the great silver machine and listened. Sometimes they heard the scratching just under the door. She followed the scratching around the base and looked into the gap between the refrigerator and the wall and heard the fan come on, which momentarily drowned out the noise of scratching, but she knew that behind the sound of the fan, something was scratching.

Soon, as it had in the living room, the scratching grew smaller as an audible phenomenon and smaller and then it went away and the house was left in silence.

Irritably, she said, “It’s past two in the morning. We should get to bed. Whatever it was, its gone now.”

With equal irritability, he said, “I’m exhausted. But this reminds me of that story about the man who tore up his walls, his floors, and everything else, searching for a sound he could never find. It drove him crazy. When they finally checked, they found him staring at his gutted walls.”

“I remember that story,” she said, yawning.

They went up the stairs. They nestled together in bed and turned off their lights. It would be a great case, a great joke, for the scratching to suddenly return just when they turned out their lights, as this couple nestled in bed, drawing them out on a new and pointless search. But in this case, it was the opposite that happened but the effect was the came.

Each on his and her side, with their eyes on the dark ceiling, they waited for the scratching sound in a state of remorseless insomnia, knowing that just when they closed their eyes, just when the heaviness of sleep crept into their eyes, the scratching would return, and so they waited through the night with their eyes open until the sun rose.

82. The Typhoon

The Typhoon moved in too quickly and too late in the day for people to prepare. Some children, when asked, claim they slept through the night, heard what sounded like sand falling and calls from friends so distant they must have come from the darker pockets of dreams.

As it happens, when people crept out in the morning, after the kind of storm that appears and then disappears with the rapidity of a ferocious military strike, they found all the houses on one side of the town had disappeared, dragged with pachydermic slowness into the mud-filled valley below.

As it happens, years later, a man travelled to the town to count the people for the Government. He met with the town officials. He asked, “Why didn’t you rebuild those houses on the other side of town?”

One of the officials looked at the census taker with obvious confusion, as if the man had uttered an obscure joke. He said, “Because no one lives there anymore.”

81. The Rabbit, Part 3

The curve of his neck reminded her of trees and how they bend in the wind. When she scratched her arm or leg, he was reminded of his fear of swarming ants.

The vacant look he sometimes got on his face, which angered her at first, reminded her of her nipples after a hot shower, how she’d wipe the steam off the glass and think, there they are. After a story about rabbits, she demonstrated a brief moment of hesitation and then she smiled as if suddenly understanding the story’s accuracy, and he’d recall times in his life when the apartment was empty and he’d feel the wall for a switch and he thought it interesting that he could never remember whether the switch was higher or lower, more right or more left.

When she bled, he tossed out the knives for he was alarmed at the tenderness of her flesh, and when she saw the knives in the waste bin, she wept because she once raised a rabbit and everyone knows that rabbits are a symbol of cuts.

Her fingers made him think about the isolation of political prisoners. His fingers made her hungry but she never told him this, because she wanted to avoid embarrassments.

The water she swam through brought to his mind memories of fishing ships, ships who’s wakes draw sea birds down to gnaw at the bones, but he didn’t tell her this because he foresaw difficulties explaining the beauty of this image and because she loved to swim, her love of swimming reminding him of a particular painting he’d seen in Brussels of slender fish twisted into knots.

What he didn’t tell her and what she didn’t tell him became a burden. What was the nature of this shared burden? This burden brought back to both of them the rhythms and concentric waves of banal childhood loneliness and their parents and parents’ friends laughing at their respective dinner tables, her family gathering around the Advent Wreath and platters with strange meats, his displaying over wine disdain against the utter stupidity of believers and the faithfilled. Neither he nor she spoke of this.

“I love the curve of your neck. It reminds me of swans,” she said, which he suspected wasn’t true.

She said, “When you threw away the knives, your anger made me love you all the more.”

“When you swim,” he said, “I think of rabbits,” and she would think, “That’s odd, the adjacency of rabbits and water.”

And he would pour her wine and he would watch the glass go to her lips, and he would make a simple observation, “Her lips are touching the glass.” And she would pour him wine and she would think, “I don’t even like wine but I enjoy watching him drink it.”