A Scientist, who studied such matters, discovered that Tomorrow never really came and that Tomorrow was merely “nothing” called “something.” His next step, as he told the Faculty, was to follow this discovery with an additional set of announcements on the subject of Yesterday.
“Then how the hell do you explain these gray whiskers,” said a disapproving and insistent Historian.
“I don’t explain it at all. You merely have a gray beard. Your beard has never been anything but a gray beard.”
The other members of the Faculty nodded; they passed approving murmurs to one another.
The next day, the Historian crashed into the Scientist’s office with his cheeks shorn smooth. “See, now I’m beardless.”
“That’s obvious,” the Scientist said, putting the final touches on his paper, soon for emailing to the Association.
“Then so much for your half-baked theories.”
“How do you mean, as you bring it up?” the Scientist said in his typical, good natured and patient tone, which his students found approving.
Disarranged, the Historian said, “What do you mean, How do I mean? Yesterday I had a beard. Today I don’t. This disproves your case to the core of it all.”
“Pray tell what case would that be, my friend?”
“You’re nothing but a bedazzling nut,” the Historian responded. “Your theory that Tomorrow and Yesterday are fictions. All your nonsense.”
“That theory. And what is your proof, sir?”
Out of frustration, the Historian reached for his beard to yank on. But finding he’d shaven it off, he decided to shove all of the Scientist’s papers off the desk. “My beard, my beard is gone. I shaved it. Yesterday I had a beard and today I don’t. This proves that Yesterday is no mere trifle.”
“I’m afraid you’re incorrect, sir,” the Scientist said. “As you’ve never had anything but cheeks smooth as the surface of an egg.”
“What about the Acropolis. All remnants of things and objects and events that led to all things now and to come?”
“As I recall from my geography lessons,” the Scientist said, “the Acropolis is at this moment in Greece.”
“Your desk. Your desk was here yesterday,” the Historian said. “There, the desk you sit behind. You sat behind it yesterday.”
The Scientist drew out a graduated tape. He said, measuring his desk top, as it was now clear of papers, “This in no way reflects the rigor of my methods, sir, but as far as I can measure at the moment, this desk is currently–now, at this dynamic moment–35 inches deep.”
The next day, the Historian accosted the Scientist in the hall. The Historian had a photo of himself, which he shook at the Scientist’s nose. “Look here, a photograph of myself with a beard, a gray beard, the beard that I used to have, which proves that Yesterday and the Yesterdays before that Yesterday are indeed recorded. It’s plain and simple.”
“That photograph means nothing of the kind. It’s an image of you, no more real than Gandalf, and as you can plainly see, you are holding it not yesterday but now, shaking it in my face.”
The next day, the Historian appeared late at a Faculty meeting. “I want everyone to hear this. I want all of you to understand that our colleague here is mad, insane, a false scientist, no more than a nut, with his theories about Yesterdays and Tomorrows. Here in my hand is a photograph of my very person holding a photograph, which is a photograph of myself with a beard, the same photograph I was holding yesterday and of which I took a photograph holding, just moments after an argument I had with our esteemed colleague yesterday, to prove that I was holding the photograph, the photograph of me with a beard, which I bore yesterday with me through these very halls and which my colleague will deny ever seeing.”
The Scientist observed his colleague with confusion and sympathy. “Here you are, sir, standing with a photograph of a photograph about which you assert a notion I have already disproved. You could bring in a million photographs. You could take a photograph of all the photographs of photographs and yet have wasted precious moments of our valuable time.”
“This is impossible. I won’t stand for any more of this,” The Historian said.
The Dean interrupted the argument. “Without further interruptions, it’s time to vote on our colleague’s motion. The motion following his position on Tomorrows and Yesterdays to move all History faculty into the department that currently houses the fiction writers.”
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